I Am Not Sorry

If there was a drinking game about saying sorry, I would still be drunk from 2002.

My go-to phrase when something goes wrong for another person - I'm sorry.

Sorry to everyone else in the world. I'm sorry I cried when you were yelling at me. I'm sorry I asked for another glass of soda when mine has been empty for ten minutes and these buffalo wings are like fire in my mouth. I'm sorry I made my appointment three weeks ago but now you're overbooked and have to make me wait an extra hour because of drop-ins. I'm sorry I didn't fill the copier after you used up all the paper and left it empty. I'm sorry you spilled your drink... on my shoes. I'm sorry your seat is too small and you need to squish part of yourself onto mine. I'm sorry your child threw a baseball at my head. I'm sorry you cut in front of me in this ridiculous bathroom line.

Sorry to myself. I'm sorry we ate all the fat. I'm sorry our face looks like this. I'm sorry our hair is frizzy. I'm sorry we drink too much coffee and still need a nap. I'm sorry we forgot to take the meat out of the freezer again. I'm sorry we got that speeding ticket. I'm sorry we bought this awful shade of ever-lasting lipstick that won't come off right this minute so we're going to just keep this glass on our mouth so then I'll be sorry we drank way too much. I'm sorry we didn't go to a four-year college. I'm sorry we didn't finish the laundry and don't have clean pants that actually fit. I'm sorry our paycheck is beans. I'm sorry we keep apologizing but I can't stop it because everything is probably our fault.

The first time I saw someone hashtag "sorrynotsorry," I was like: THIS. IS. EXACTLY. TRUE. Wide-eyed and light-bulb headed like an anvil just dropped on the sidewalk next to me. Apologizing was a habit and a complex all rolled into one.

Guess what? I'm not sorry. I'm not even #sorrynotsorry. I'm just not sorry at all.

#I'mnotsorry I packed broken Doritos in your lunchbox. I maybe even did that on purpose because you can pack your own lunch if you don't like it.

#I'mnotsorry I read an entire book in one afternoon, instead of finishing the laundry and the dishes.

#I'mnotsorry you got sunburned because you were relying on me to remember everything for you.

#I'mnotsorry I laugh like a witch/hyena hybrid and it hurts your ears.

#I'mnotsorry I still do fun things even though you might think I'm too old for diving boards and trampolines. #I'mnotsorry I maybe peed my pants, either. I brought an extra pair, anyway.

#I'mnotsorry I like to curse.

#I'mnotsorry I sometimes fail at being the best me. I still try.

#I'mnotsorry you didn't do your job and got caught when I didn't do it for you.

#I'mnotsorry I don't like you. My circle is small and you're an arsehole.

#I'mnotsorry if you don't like me. I'm kind of an arsehole, too.

#I'mnotsorry for my opinions. I'm not asking you to share them.

#I'mnotsorry I want to stay home and not wear underpants sometimes.

#I'mnotsorry when I've had a fun time.

I'm sorry when I screw up and hurt someone. I'm sorry when I've made a big mistake. I'm sorry when I cause things to go terribly wrong - if I could have prevented it knowingly.

I'm not sorry about liking myself. I'm not sorry about doing good for myself and my people. I'm not sorry about having fun, being silly or acting like a total weirdo.

Most of all, #I'mnotsorry for being selective with my apologies.


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